(Note: I received this in my email a few years back. Hope you enjoy!)
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s butt anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don’t think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????
Love this!
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Thanks, Margot. I wish I knew who wrote it so I could give credit. Can you guess who the “old man” is? 🙂
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Yeah, I can, Michael 🙂
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I knew you would, Margot. Nothing gets by you and your wealth of mystery/crime knowledge!
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Reblogged this on From 1 Blogger 2 Another.
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Thanks for the reblog!
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You are most welcome. Your blog is an inspiration!
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Haha fantastic.
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Thanks, KaylaAnn. When I woke up this morning my aching joints inspired me to find this piece. 🙂
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Wonderful! Esp. spot-on for nearly ancient ones such as me!
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Hah Douglas! You’re still a young pup compared to me. 🙂
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You may well be my elder, I honestly don’t know how many scores you’ve acquired. But this just delighted me and I have to go share it with a 95 yo gentleman friend down the street. Far as I can tell you are in complete mastery of your wits (I often don’t feel I am!) Stay inspired, friend!
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Haha…this was a lot of fun to read. I especially liked: “ If all is not lost then where the heck is it?” Lol, this really was a great post: thanks fo sharing it 😊
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So glad you got a “kick” out of it!
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Very funny Michael. If people got mail from you like I do they would not believe a word of this. For sure. LOL. Anyway it’s a good one 🙂 Oh, prunes are good with cream. Really.
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I prefer my prunes with oatmeal. Easy in, easy out! 🙂
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Hahahahaha best one yet : -)
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I knew it!!! You’ve been watching every move I make – haven’t you!!!?!!!
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Well, actually no. It’s what I see in the mirror ever day. Cranky is as cranky does, and my joints are very cranky!
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😂😂😂 this was a wonderful list to wake up to!
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Thanks; enjoy while you can. It’s not nearly as humorous when you become an old dog like me. 🙂
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Excellent! I got some needed laughs from this essay.
Neil S.
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Thanks, Neil. When you get old like us it sometimes hurt to even laught! 🙂
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Michael you can write comedy too. Love it. Can I post it on Facebook? Of course, I’ll give you the credit.
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Martie, I wish I could take credit, but this was sent to me via email a while back. As far as I know, it is anonymous. I don’t see any harm if you repost. Thanks! 🙂
–Michael
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I think so too. But I won’t post it as the work speaks for itself. Oh, maybe in a review some of it. But anyone who enjoys it should be allowed to . In fact w hen I think of some of the funny stuff from Mac I just remember how funny it is. Roll around the rainbow with all the different genres from Michael. Thanks to a generous writer who has the mastery over the language. And who shares it with others. Writers need to connect and I could go on but I will not
subject you to the kindness and the roughness that lead to good writing. As such I am happy OH. look out for Dinger as I seem to be one of his admirers. Be well all. We need a community of writers who are quirky, even, strange, and all the other things that writers are. I do send love to all as we are all in this together.
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Aw, shucks. MJ. {blush}. You are took kind. 🙂
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Ha! Thanks for the chuckle 🙂
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Thanks, Anne. Enjoy while you’re still in the blush of youth! 🙂
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Ha! Thanks for the chuckle 🙂 … What? No, I don’t THINK I’ve been getting more absentminded. Why?
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Hmm, who posted this stuff anyway? 🙂
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This is laugh out loud funny – absolutely brilliant :O)
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Thanks a bunch, Lisa! 🙂
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You’re welcome 😊
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🤣🤣 love it!
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Oh, if I could only turn back the clock a few decades {sigh}! 🙂
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I’m pretty sure this just became my new favourite post. Ever. Genius. It’s like they wrote it from my own heart! I always say “I don’t care when I die, as long as I die happy!” 💖💖🍻
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So glad you enjoyed it, Nicole! I think a nice 12 yr.old Highlands single-malt Scotch whisky would go well with this. I prefer The Dalmore, one of my favorites. 🙂
–Michael
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Most definitely! And one of my favourites, as well!! 🥃
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Reblogged this on Leave Me Alone I Am Reading and Reviewing.
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Thanks so much, Martie! We oldsters can use all the help we can get. Uh, who ARE you, anyway? 🙂
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LOL, I don’t remember let me ask my husband. 🙂 I can sometimes feel ancient since most bloggers are youngsters.
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Here’s one of my favorite sayings, and one I think rings true in many ways: “Youth is wasted on the young.” 🙂
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Pingback: Now That I’m Older (from author E. Michael Helms) – Jina S. Bazzar
Love this! Thank you!
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Thanks, Patty, although you’re many years away from being old. Oh, how time flies! 🙂
–Michael
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Michael…I went through surgery and chemo last year. I feel old! But thank you!
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I hope you’ve had a full recovery, Patty. My best wishes to you and yours. 🙂
–Michael
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Thanks for the great laugh. I came over from Jina’s blog to read the rest. This is so hysterical. Thanks for the great laugh. Lol.
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So glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
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Love this! 🙂
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Thanks a bunch, Neha! 🙂
–Michael
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You’re welcome 🙂
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